#3

Woke up feeling like I look pretty ok today. Wounds heal. Physical wounds heal. Internal wounds take a long time.

I see a counselor on Wednesday. I don't know what I should say. Where should I start. So many things brought me to this point in life. Beyond confused at this point.

And so angry still. All I see is red.

#2

Today is just today. Not much better than yesterday. I can pretend a little better today. My face has healed a little. And my eyes continue to show the pain in my heart and soul.

You know what sucks. Knowing that you need something and being unable to obtain it!

So today, I allowed music to take me a to a place that I can not go. To bring me closer in spirit to who I want to be and who I was born to be.

Until I find the courage to take the steps I need to take...today is just number 2!

#1

I don't think anyone on this planet really understands how I feel. At least not the people that should know me better than anyone else.

On August 21, 2011, my life changed. I just don't know how much it has changed yet. All I know is that I am not the same Zia I was the day before. I know everyone expects me to just be ok but I can't and I don't care anymore.

People need to adapt. And learn that when something traumatic happens that you can't define how I should act. You can't keep getting upset with me for being so pissed. You have to let me feel the feelings that I have when I have them. If you don't then I can't be in your presence. I just can't.

I am so sick and tired of crying in the bathroom, alone. I wish someone who loved me would just see the pain in my eyes and hold me. Hold me until I am not scared anymore. Hold me until I don't remember what happened to me. Hold me and protect me forever. Forever.

No one can do it. No one can keep me safe. No one can love me the way I love them.

And I don't know how to be a parent right now. How do I look my son in the eyes knowing what he saw happen to me. How can I ever get over this. Will he ever forget it. I pray he does. But I am so scared that he won't.

I know that running away is the not the answer. But I want to. I am tired.

I don't have a home anymore. I don't know what to do about that. I don't have any money either. There is nothing I can do about that.

I don't know if this is a prayer or what because I don't know who to pray to. But if it is, please help me. I am dying.

Please.