On August 21, 2011, my life changed. I just don't know how much it has changed yet. All I know is that I am not the same Zia I was the day before. I know everyone expects me to just be ok but I can't and I don't care anymore.
People need to adapt. And learn that when something traumatic happens that you can't define how I should act. You can't keep getting upset with me for being so pissed. You have to let me feel the feelings that I have when I have them. If you don't then I can't be in your presence. I just can't.
I am so sick and tired of crying in the bathroom, alone. I wish someone who loved me would just see the pain in my eyes and hold me. Hold me until I am not scared anymore. Hold me until I don't remember what happened to me. Hold me and protect me forever. Forever.
No one can do it. No one can keep me safe. No one can love me the way I love them.
And I don't know how to be a parent right now. How do I look my son in the eyes knowing what he saw happen to me. How can I ever get over this. Will he ever forget it. I pray he does. But I am so scared that he won't.
I know that running away is the not the answer. But I want to. I am tired.
I don't have a home anymore. I don't know what to do about that. I don't have any money either. There is nothing I can do about that.
I don't know if this is a prayer or what because I don't know who to pray to. But if it is, please help me. I am dying.
Please.
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